He truly is an incredible man and I am so, so lucky to call him mine, there have been too many down days this time and I just wonder if it is me subconsciously protecting myself from a further failure. I know he is just as fed up with injecting me , as I am being injected, I mean, look at the bloody sharps bin for Christs sake.
Mid afternoon, i had bad cramps, something I have had pretty much all the way through but when I went to the loo I got the shock of my life to see very dark brown spotting. I felt hot with terror and so immediately googled like a woman possessed and found a zillion conflicting reports, in most cases it seems very normal and can even be a good sign. In the end there was nothing else for it, I emailed P, she answered within 5 mins…….. It was a Sunday for goodness sake, the woman is incredible. She said there was nothing to worry about, to stop taking the aspirin and she thought that this was a GREAT SIGN.
Call them squinters if you will but there they were in all their glory
Someone said to me yesterday, who was off out to Belarus to help with the cancer victims of Chernobyl (something he has done for the last 23 years) “all we can give them is hope and hope is free”, he of course made me cry.
I leave this post, for now, with a wonderful quote from an American Actress and Comedienne, who sadly lost her battle of cancer at the end of the 1980’s:
“I wanted a perfect ending. but now i’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. delicious ambiguity.” -gilda radner
I know what your thinking , another update already? Well yes, quiet a lot has happened in 48hrs. As you know we tested negative on Saturday morning, what you don’t know is in a cruel twist of fate we then looked again at the three pregnancy tests and two were showing positive… …. POSITIVE. and a renewed glimmer of hope entered our tearful world.
We photographed them and sent them to P in Athens, could she see what we saw? The answer was, yes she could! Remember you can’t get a false positive only a false negative, so we continued the drugs for another day until we could repeat the test Sunday morning.
A glimmer of hope I guess and time to fight for those two little embryos who are desperately trying to cling on to me, now is not the time to feel defeated, now is the time to believe it might actually happen
We kept ourselves busy with mundane chores and even got the courage to go out for dinner Saturday night for a friends Birthday, all the while thinking in our own heads that this glimmer of hope was probably futile.
Sunday morning came and so did the negative results, whoooah we plummet yet again into the raw sadness we had already experienced the day before. I was angry now, if it’s negative then fucking leave it at that! why, why give us this torment? For Fucks sake. enough already. We cocooned ourselves for the rest of the day, I emailed P to let her know the result and so it was that we laughed, hugged, shouted, cried and wallowed in our own self pity for the rest of the day.